Saturday, 29 January 2011
I'm a failure.
Monday, 24 January 2011
I wish I could be happy with myself and my life.
I hate this. If I could, I'd stay in my bed forever.
I'm so embarrassed for the way I look.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
..like a mofo. I've gained weight. Oh, I've definitely gained a lot. My thighs touch again. Shit. I can't go back at this. I can't. I was doing so good during summer until he left me.
But he talked to me again last night and it seemed like he still cares a little. I'm so gonna get him back one day. But not soon. Somewhere in time when no vices are left to defend. I have to become perfect. I will.
I binged, how typical. But I'm fasting. No solids, just coffee, diet coke and water of cource. Oh, and cigs. Hell, they're expensive ( 4,20 euros > 5 dollars a packet? what.) but I spend it on food anyway.
But yeah, I'm proud to say I'm feeling oprimistic right now.
I have to start studying or I'm never gonna get into uni. So I will reply to the comments that were left on my previous post and I'll make sure to leave a few comments later tonight <3
This is what I want to look like. She's amazing.
Friday, 14 January 2011
Some days I look at my body and think to my self: Ok,Athena, you don't look as horrible as you think, your hipbones stick out when you lay down and you're just too insecure.
And the next minute I look at my thighs and arms and want to scream.
I want to smoke. I haven't in months and lately I'm like
I think maybe I should start smoking again, maybe I'd stop being so hungry all the time.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
when everything loses its meaning. Like today, some family members and I had a fight and I've never felt so useless and stupid before. I am a waste of oxygen, of space, I make others around me unhappy and they are a part of my problems, too. The more I think about how I have to stay in this house for the next four years at least, the less I want to get into uni, because nothing will change. I want to leave, but I can't, and my life will still be miserable and boring and controlled. Since I were little I dreamed of reaching the age of 18 and getting the fuck out of this place, but hey, reality fucks you in the ass when you grow up, right? Shit.
Ugh, I hate how emotional I've become, I cry and complain everyday and I feel so whiny, blah.
Oh and pardon my language.